I felt sick. My whole life had been a lie

Adopted – but we didn't know

How does it feel to discover as an adult that you were adopted as a baby? We talk to four people who came to terms with finding out later in life.

Hilary Moon found out she was adopted 12 years ago. Photograph: David Sillitoe

Hilary Moon, 60, was 48 when she discovered that she was adopted. She is divorced.

"I was at my uncle's funeral when my cousin's husband wandered up to me and said, 'I've been wanting to meet you, because we're both adopted.' It was a huge shock – how could it not be? On the other hand, I had an instant explanation as to why I'd always felt like a square peg in a round hole when it came to my family.

"I once said to my mother, 'I've always felt like I was found on a doorstep.' She got terribly upset, and I later learned that was the point at which she confided in my cousin's husband. She chose him because he's a vicar. She assumed he'd keep it to himself.

"My mother had died by the time I found out the truth, but my father hadn't, so I asked him about it. He was an unpleasant man and simply said, 'Well, nobody else would have you.' I threw a cup of tea at him, said that at least it meant I wasn't related to him and we never spoke again.

"Was I angry? Of course I was. I had been advised not to have children because my mother and brother had both had severe diabetes and had gone blind and died early. To learn I wasn't blood-related to them means I made an enormous decision based on fiction.

"I've mellowed now. My mother had such a bum deal in life – a husband that had affairs and a son who died young – that it's hard to feel anger towards her. She and I got on well, and I'm thankful for that. And although I still have negative feelings towards my father, who is now dead, I think that's probably more to do with how he treated my mother.

"About eight years ago, my biological sister sought me out. She put me in touch with my birth mother, to whom I look incredibly similar. I've met others in the extended family, too, and I even changed my full name to what it was before the adoption. With all my adoptive family dead, and a large birth family still alive, it just made sense to me. But, actually, they're a funny lot and I can't say I feel any great bond with them.

"The whole situation has left me feeling neither part of my adoptive nor my biological family, and the lack of a sense of belonging in either can make me feel lonely if I let it. When people ask me who is my next of kin, I say, 'I haven't got one', because that's how it feels."

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